You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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