Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
