The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
