I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
