We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
