yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
