someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
