Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
