btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
