She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
