her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Everything about him screamed your future.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
