So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
