Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
