I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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