i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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