You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
