Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
