3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
