I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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