The maid of honor just puked.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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