Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
