He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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