I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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