Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
