He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
