"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize