do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You're like the curious george of whores
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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