you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
