why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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