I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
