I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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