at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You've changed since you got that strap on
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
