Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
