Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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