We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
