so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
