After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
