So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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