Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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