I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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