im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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