Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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