grandma shit on top of the toilet
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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