It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i think i have two assholes
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
