i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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