Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i will never coherently bang her
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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