Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
