I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
