I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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