Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
