I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
