worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
