His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
