girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i believe in u and ur pee
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
