i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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