So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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