I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
